I just saw a guy masturbating vigorously at the bus stop across from del taco at 2:30am...im pretty sure he wasn't even homeless
i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.
well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."
...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.
Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.
She just spat tequila at me... Like a fountain... A broken fountain
Sarah is throwing up still and I'm eating salad with my fingers
My husband gave me a key to his house. I thinks this means we're getting kinda serious.
Why can I remember how tall Nicki Minaj is from looking up her height once months ago, yet after weeks into the semester I can't even remember where any my classrooms are located
Importance
I'm sorry I keep drunk texting your boyfriend sports updates.
That's okay. He needs friends too.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
They left me at home... I'm a liability
He bought me pizza and bourbon and played scrabble with me. So naturally I slept with him.
admittedly, geting that drunk in front of my last two exes wasnt a good idea
probably didn't help that you cheated on them with each other either
Is there a subtle way to tell him he needs to hydrate? 8 years of yoga and kegels. He has no idea what I’m going to do to him this weekend
Randomize
