I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.
I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people
Girls should come with a carfax report
He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.
Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed
I just found a wine bottle in my shower. Must have been a good night.
While I'm on hiatus from the Russian potato nectar, it is my wish for others to enjoy it in my stead.
Yup. Can I borrow your penis decanter for my Xmas party on Saturday
You proceeded to get into a playground school bus and yell "all aboard to Margaritaville!"
I'm a complete klutz, especially when I get excited. I pee a lot too. I'm like a puppy except I don't pee in the floor.
She posted a pic of her bf on ig wishing him a happy bday at midnight. She then proceeded to have sex with me. Who is the bday boy again?
Cancelling your gym membership calls for alcohol.
Guy in my class today said, "I'm pretty sure you think about beer 95% of the time."
Dude what happened last night?
I don't know, I'm still trying to figure out how I got my clothes back on.
Of course he did! You’ve seen my tits, you know he didn’t stand a chance!
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