u on campus? she just peed the bed i need to go
It all came flooding back to me: there was a woman with one hand
the best part about tonight...knowing when i wake up in the morning his car will still be full of packing peanuts..and mine wont
She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
just wanted to thank u for shitting in my dads bidet last night. i had to manually scoop ur shit out of it. btw ur dumped.
captain morgan taught me last night that resee's puffs are way better when eaten straight out of the sink.
She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.
In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.
we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it
Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose
Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.
Everyone is cheering
There's a 35% chance I'm still residually drunk from last night.
And you say you're not good with numbers...
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
he apologises profusely for spelling mistakes in his texts but doesn't care about cheating on me. priorities
I just came rly close to telling a dude that I want to chew on him and there should be an oil painting of his ass up in the louvre before I realized that isn't how flirting is supposed to go
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