Thank you for leaving pool of vagina on my girlfriends carpet.
i felt like the dude nobody likes from the mikes hard lemonade commercial
I swear god or herbie drove my car home
dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.
The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl
So my OCD kicked in and I cleaned his kitchen. His roommates were so grateful, they tried to pay me in weed.
YOU ACCEPTED, RIGHT?
Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex
I was walking around the party holding a dog on my shoulder like it was a parrot
She's calming us down by shoving oreos in our mouths
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
I can see the future and your future is full of penis
This little girl and her dad are walking behind me. "Why is he wearing pajamas?" Mind your own business, kid.
P.s. I loved that your balls smelled like coconut
Well I didn't spend $7 on an Uber just to get limp dick
So here I am, sexting at work.
Randomize
