I just spent the past twenty minutes checking out a girl who turned out to be a mannequin. I need AA.
I wouldn't really call it 'getting lucky' considering I paid her to do it.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.
he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...
Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.
Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.
You rolled around in the grass BEFORE we went in and said it was because "ladies love that eau de earth"
he may or may not have motorboated me on the steps of the library of congress
You were crying in a drunken stupor for an hour because "the new daft punk album didn't blow your tits off"
Another development in my life...I think I pulled a muscle in my neck from vomiting this weekend.
You don't know weird until you've had a musical wet dream about your older brother.
I found dried jizz from last night on my leg while feeding an infant a bottle. I am not fit to care for children
I just moved my 11am hair appointment to 8am so I could blackout at noon. Who am I?
Masturbating to death wouldn't be a terrible way to go. If you die tonight, I'll know how it went down. Promise not to tell your family.
Randomize
