I just told her she was a heartbeat above a blowup doll.
Hard to imagine a reason apart from blow jobs that I'm awake at 530 am.
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way
The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.
Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom
I told her that if she blew me I would give her the empty pizza box in the fridge.... Why did she agree?
She is ok w me having sex for money. Just gotta find rich grandmas.
Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.
Hey, Would it be ok if me and your wife have a ladies only night and masturbated on FaceTime together?
last time we were there you stole a tap from the toilets. How are you confused that your bag is full of baubles you clearly can't stop collecting their furnishings
Note to self, the correct response when a guy tells you he likes you as a person is not "ew"
you said you were the change fairy and you kept throwing all of your quarters at me.
What are you gunna do with your life today
put it back together
I finally realized he drank way too much when he tried serenading me to the song "come my lady" while slowly and creepily making his way toward me...keeping constant eye contact.
Randomize
