OMG Im so trashed fishy! im sitting hereon my bed wif mcdonalds n i look like david hasselhoff!!!!!! kill me now
Slept with that guy from the bar last night. Only got 2 1/2 hours of sleep. Eyes were so bloodshot this morning that the principal sent me home b/c she thought I had pink eye. God I love teaching elementary school...
dude can i febreze my hair or is that slutty?
Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.
Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.
I know. They started calling me The Incident. The hotel maids, that is.
Everyone is slow dancing to Aerosmith. I am serenading a slice of pizza.
Teasing with taco bell is not funny. High or sober.
You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
HIS TAN HAS PUT ME TO SHAME. HE TOOK HIS PANTS OFF AND HIS DICK LOOKED LIKE A GHOST
You told me you had two boobs that want to be naked for me. I'm just following up on your request.
I just used a VHS tape as a plate for sanwich
I’ve seen not one, but three Facebook articles on my feed today about “how to eat ass”. Idk what the universe is trying to tell me but it’s needs to chill
When are you getting back?
Well google maps doesn't have an estimated time for crawling... Could be days
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