mom just called and i was mid bong hit but i answered anyways coughing and sounding rough she the apologized for waking her little angel up. its 2PM
no, didnt close...
What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...
right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."
Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?
So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.
They didn't have a "sorry I was late for your birthday party because I was getting arrested" card.
I don't understand or I understand perfect - if were not talking about fried chicken I'm not sure what's happening.
I was jumping over your garbage can screaming "Im a snow cat!!" ..Who wouldn't want to see that?
I'm going to sing sad and lonely Barbra Streisand songs at the top of my lungs if you don't get here soon
So you drank bourbon with cough syrup?
I still had a cough. It only makes sense
Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?
You told me to go grocery shopping.
WHY THE FUCK DID I HAVE TO FALL IN LOVE WITH A CONVICT
We just had sex on an abandoned logging road while wearing snow shoes. God bless Montana boys.
He just brought a live lobster to the party.
I deleted your number after I found out you gave my brother head for drugs.
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