used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
RJ thinks I should put one of the muffins in my vagina. Good idea or bad idea?
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
I can't believe I cried over a sausage mcmuffin.
he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.
She basically needs a man who will never act up and take all of her shit
I'm even having trouble finding a guy who's taller than me with no unibrow.. someone needs to tell her its time to lower her standards
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.
He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
I sang Sweet Caroline with a homeless man and made him 25 bucks. Redbull vodka gives you wings!
The police report said "I asked the suspect if he had any identification. He replied yes and gave me a Pizza Hut gift card"
I can't remember the last time I saw a penis in person that I didn't see a million times on text first
So... Sorry we took your wife to the strip club last night... And sorry we bought her that lap dance... I think you're getting closer to your dream of a threesome, though.
one of my coworkers asked me if I was PMSing today...... excuse me sir, but it is none of your business as to what my uterus is or is not doing right now. fucker.
and yea, I'm PMSing.
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