omg this kid i'm babysitting is making a penis out of playdough ahhhh.
He just rolled me a 'baby penis' as opposed to his 'big boy' penis that he crafted...he just demanded that I roll him a penis.
I just puked into a plastic bag at a red light. Go me.
i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic
USA! USA! USA!
I try to help out whenever I can. Speaking of rough nights I woke up half naked on Brady's couch with bloody paper towels duct taped to my foot.
He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?
Do you want the fat one with an ok face or the skinny ugly one?
It doesn't matter as long as our shame is in tandem.
Being single/not living at home sucks. All I want is someone I can force to pick up my pizza for me so I don't have to talk to anyone.
Who the fuck gets injured on a merry-go-round? HOW IS IT POSSIBLE??
Apparently I told him he would be good for human sacrifice.
Could you just like have a friend who feels bad for me and secretly always wanted to have sex with me
Not sure but if it exists I will find it and I will fill my face with it
I don't get a "my roommate is fucking you" discount?!
He said a lot of nice things about me, it was really uncalled for.
Can I come kidnap you from work so we can chug mimosas? My little brother has a ski mask I can borrow.
I have only been here for a week and might contributed to a dumpster fire on accident.
Randomize
