my cat ate my toast this morning while i was getting dressed. i can already tell today is going to suck.
ever had your bank call you to verify the 4 seperate bar transactions from the night before? I have
found the other keg... it's in the tree
I'm picking out a half way decent top so if I get arrested I'll have a respectable mug shot photo. Always be prepared.
All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.
i think the bruises are from the grocery store. on separate occasions. i've been spending a lot of time drunk at the market lately.
i have a vague recollection of being in the parking deck around 4 this morning, and on monday morning i was naked on the roof.
that would mean it's on tape
Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.
I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.
I want to apologize but I don't know how. Do I just say "sorry for OD'ing on your couch"? I think that just sounds weird.
Why did you just send me a picture of your dinner?
CAUSE LOOK HOW MUCH SPAGHETTI I'M EATING
i dont get why youre mad at me. i promised you he looked like jim morrison and you failed to ask me like which era
You're 21st was epic. I woke up at 6 a.m. on the floating beer pong table in the pool with a beer still in hand. Didn't even spill any
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
Woke up in a fanny pack with a bag of cocaine on my cheek
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Randomize
