okay pat passed out under dana's car
went in for an STD check and they referred me to an alcohol and drug councilor. kick me when i'm down.
im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.
i just shaved my vag. i figure it gave me about ten more minutes to drink tomorrow.
Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.
Hiding the dark circles under my eyes this morning was like trying to hide a Beached Whale on the Couch eating Pita chips.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
YOU LEFT MY FUCKING BRA OUTSIDE OF YOUR HOUSE AND NEVER TEXTED ME.
Get off the floor, put away the cookie dough, get ur shit together Scott.
Putting a bow on your dick doesn't make it a real present
Getting paid in weed to watch a pregnant adult with cooking skills is the TITS
You just sent a mass text asking if anyone ever drank the blood of a goat in the glorious name of Satan...after that we confiscated any writing utensil
send nudes
from the living room?
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