Never name a vibrator after ashton kutcher
Think about all of the events that have led to this: me sitting in the back of my classroom drinking beer out of a taco bell cup, telling the teacher I have to leave early to go to an AA meeting.
I woke up at 5 this morning face down on my bed with gummy bears stuffed in my leggings. Yeah.
you were so drunk when the pizza guy got there you told him that you didn't have any money and would trade him the pizza for 3 Porno movies and he totally did it. I may never have to pay for pizza again
No. Please No. At first it was cool when you started bring an extra girl home for me but after 2 cycles of clap medicine I'm putting an end to it.
I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.
why does the wii remote smell like your vag?
you have no idea how wierd it is to get nudes while talking to grandma
I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.
Really* awful people.
I feel like hell. The amount of black beans I found in my hair tells me I hit rock bottom
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
Is it bad that I'm using the photo I took for my fake ID as my linkedin profile pic?
I just realized that with the new snapchat update / emoji sticker thing I can now use easily use emojis to cover my boobs in nudes.
But how MUCH of an emergency? Like, should I go to the ER now, or can it wait until after the bar crawl?
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Randomize
