i think the semi hot bartender might actually be a man in drag..on a similar note, what are you drinking?
So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...
What did she do!?
I didn't tell her...
Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.
I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.
I want to be a cop.
We made a percocet pizza. And then i made an unfortunate decision.
First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning
The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."
I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break
So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"
just start off by saying "hey, i cockblocked my friend last night and need to make it up to him, could you help?"
i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there
I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.
How was that my fault?! I made you breakfast and gave you cake, as you asked. Then, you initiated sexual activity.
I just fell out of my doorway to go to class so if that doesn't describe how my night went idk what will
This town reeks of teen pregnancy.
Randomize
