she texted him the burrito order while she was puking in the Del Taco parking lot...
if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.
I intend to get homeless drunk
we knew you were done when they played It's All Coming Back To Me Now by Celine Dion and you started crying
Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...
Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.
I can't believe I had to sit there pretending to play Halo with a condom on for 20 Minutes because your brother barged in to tell a story.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Wearing a shark mask, slugging tequilla, in cowboy boots, and not minding that my spandex is on backwards. What are you up to?
Not yoga, whiskey. Totally mis-typed whiskey.
Tom just texted me he's Tindering from his hospital bed while they're running heart tests on him.
That's dedication to the game.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
I feel like it should at least be like a "hey look I'm actually fine that I drunkenly gave you my virginity!" friend request.
Do you want to get naked and order pizza with me
Well, I'll handle this like I always do. Black the fuck out, make out with randoms, give out my number like candy. You know. Standard operating procedure
Randomize
