her vagina looked like bernie madoff
will power is for people who don't want to get laid
So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I think I explained what happened in the voicemail. But I think I might have just cried and ranted about how cool osiris shoes are
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included
whatever. i don't care. i just want to be drunk wrapped in an american flag.
He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed
Oh just chilling alone with a stranger baby while everyone else clambakes the bathroom. Probation is the reason there is bad things in the world.
It's really funny to see the look on the sales lady's face when she asks why you're replacing a painting. "I knocked it off the wall during sex w/ my heels," wasn't what she expected.
He made a toga out of my hot pink bed sheets and cracked an egg on his head. Then he proceeded to alphabetize our DVD collection, which was impressive because I'm 99% sure he couldn't have done that sober.
I don't know what to do with my life other than going on Reddit and watching porn.
Oh man
I hooked up with the lead singer of the band at the wedding. I am so hungover.
Have you ever thrown up in the middle of your hair appointment? Cause I have..
Randomize
