The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
I wish there was a morning after pill that made you instantly sober
when i start to cry when i lose at mario kart is when you should put me to bed
Contrary to what peaches says, you can't fuck the pain away. Full story later. Have a good morning, buddy.
if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Casually had to file a missing persons report last night
not a day goes by that I don't wish you were here or I there. Today it was because I had the desire to get high and go look at the jellyfish at the aquarium and you're the perfect buddy for that.
I texted him a series of texts in which the first letters of each text spelled out "WE SHOULD HAVE SEX". If that's not dedication to the dick, I don't know what is
I need you to go into my room and get some pants then bring them and four band aids to Sam's apartment no questions
I woke up to a stripper (who added me on Facebook) messaging me reminding me to cancel my card if I can't find it
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
I couldn't find my contact solution so I thought mixing toothpaste and water would work
Randomize
