I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
i feel like barbie the morning after an elton john party
Bring booze and chicks. Separate, or one already in the other. Your call.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes
I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night
i dont even mind you always shaving my pubes when i pass out, i'm starting to find it liberating.
Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I really have to stop going to the movies high. Spending $10 to not know what the fuck is going on is starting to get pricey.
I still think it's strange your mom saw me 93% naked with a Santa hat on and a raging boner. Tis the season right?
Can't be like "hey can you elaborate on this three year old tweet" can I?
she wants homewrecking advice
are you gonna teach her your ways?
obvs. i'm like her yoda.
Randomize
