Worst part was I had to fart super bad and didn't want to ruin the room so I farted in a pillow and threw it under the bed.
Mario Lopez is the poor mans Ryan Seacrest
State Street has never looked so beautiful than during my walk of shame.
Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.
Sorry if I ruined your sex last night with my constant text updates about the plot of Bolt.
If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.
There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice
We found him in the neighbors shed using a bicycle as a blanket. We just left him there.
You blacked out and then went around stealing other peoples phones and leaving yourself voicemails
I got two from random numbers, the first was me and said "Don't forget you murdered Josh in Wii Bowling"
The second Jenn said "You are ridiculously smart for drunk dialing yourself"
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
Your favorite boobs are sending you seasons greetings
FYI my mom is sending thanksgiving "samples" of her fancy pot stash for us this weekend. I bring the BEST family leftovers.
I know. His dick was small at the top and got bigger at the bottom, like a fucking curling wand.
He told me he was cooking me a special dinner tonight. His "five star meal" was popcorn in champagne glasses, and chic fil a sauce in jello shot containers to dip the popcorn in. He still tries to convince me he doesn't smoke weed anymore.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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