apparently red wine has the total opposite effect that whiskey does on his dick
That's what happens when you let Keystone Light make your decisions.
i woke up with a shirt on. the kids in my daycare group had a lot of questions when i took off my shirt at the pool to reveal "property of brittany" written on my chest and an arrow pointing to my dick.
And then you gave the bride a high five and said "Go forth and Consummate."
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?
Hey, you gotta think, is this REALLY the penis you wanna see for the rest of your life? THINK!
Im gonna take a shit then figure out how to be better at basketball
I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.
I'm bringing cupcakes to work today as an apology for my actions at the bar last night, my boss probably can't look at me the same ever again
I have to finish a biography for history and write a review on it so naturally I was like "getting high will make this more bearable" and now I'm basically inside the book at the revolutionary war with this guy.
Other than my penis smelling like an ashtray, it went really well.
We have hung out 5 times and only had sex 3 of those times. I'd call that friendship
Just a little. Like do I say "hey I'm the girl that's fucking your son, nice to meet you"
thank god my bra was in my purse... were all good
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