All I want to do is go home, strip down to my pants, get in the shower and pee down my leg
girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.
I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.
Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun
He licked the chalk off his shirt, then spat the Mountain Dew from his mouth onto the shirt and sucked on it. And thats him sober.
I'm just saying, margarita tuesday would turn anyone gay.
I wasn't going to take him home until I heard "hung like a water buffalo" then curiosity got the best of me.
Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?
My crowning drunk achievement from that night was donating $5 to the Obama campaign.
You're perfect
That man deserves a slow clap... He defied the power of the vagina
god it feels good to gold a bottle of opiates again.
I think that typo was actually more appropriate than what you intended.
I would just like to say that I had morning sex today to the Hamilton soundtrack. So.
I put on that one song on Titanic so he'd fall asleep. When I was positive he'd passed out in a drunken fit, he outstretches his arms and says "I'm flying, Jack.."
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
We found you in the bathroom at 1AM throwing money into the toilet making wishes. That drunk.
.... Seriously?
Randomize
