I wanna blow your doors off so bad right now.
Doors?
Rock your world. Blow you out. Skeet skeet.
That guy over there looks like a cartoon/action figure.
omg, i know.
we're too high.
My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.
Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.
Friends don't let friends talk to people who live in Orlando. Sorry I've failed you.
She threw up a whole curly fry. A. WHOLE. CURLY. FRY.
would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?
The question of "Will I eat a piece of curried chicken off the floor?" has been answered tonight.
i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself
He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ
I wasnt going to have sex with him until i ran into his gf at chipotle. It was like the gods were saying "Go ahead. Shes already had her burrito for the day"
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
Listen, if I miss the flight to Vegas because she's still rimming my ass, it will have been worth it.
Guess how much it costs to flush your pants down the toilet?
Complete and utter failure. 100% unsalvageable. I have not failed so hard at a culinary endeavor in YEARS. MY HONOR IS IMPUGNED I HAVE SHAMED MY HOUSE
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