i would only ever fuck harry potter if he was on a broomstick.
It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon
And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny
so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.
Having him as a wingman is like telling the girl you already have aids
Made out with a chick in front of a girl I'm banging and successfully reDENNISed her within 9 hours
We went to Denny's and he threatened to fight an entire high school track team by himself
I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me
She just asked to come over. She's either going to bring one of her dads guns and kill me or we're going to end up having insane lesbian sex.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
good news: i got laid. bad news: by your boyfriend
HOW DID I LET MYSELF GET SUCKED IN HE HAS A PENIS FOR PETE'S SAKE.
I'm to the point where I just want to get back at him in a hot man sex tornado way.
Rolled over in bed this morning and found Nutella and wet naps. Why can't it ever be a fire fighter, or Jude Law.
Why were you doing tequila shots out of Boston Pizza dip containers?
Randomize
