I just ate a cockroach and I want to be a fire truck.
She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.
They just gave us root beer floats. I guess I won't quit my job today.
jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life
I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.
I knew we would be good together when you made me lick jameson off your boob while you screamed along with racks on racks
He dared me to drink a bottle of olive oil in exchange for a 30 pack... So much for loosing the freshman fifteen this year.
i woke up and found a picture of his grandma in my purse.. im a kelpto
It was his birthday and he drunkenly offered me Portillo's and diamonds in exchange for a snap chat of my boobs. Even sober it seemed like a good idea at 3 in the morning.
I yield to the immortal wisdom of one ludacris, who famously wrote, "can't turn a hoe in to a housewife." Indeed, ludacris, indeed.
just like cleaning my room and being more organized in my life. more so just making sure a toaster doesn't end up in my car again for 2 months
It's election day and I was just tied up with an American flag scarf
Thanks. It's every girl's dream, right? To blow a bald marketing consultant 12 years her senior?
That was a beautiful concert to sleep through ...
I know - Don't let me take drugs from strangers anymore
i need to get crying drunk at the bar more often. i end up going home with guys who have big penises. its like God is saying "there, there, this will cheer you up".
Randomize
