Having your wife answer your cell was so lame. Maybe we can talk when you get your phone, your facebook account, and your balls back.
I woke up and she had breakfast in bed for me
RUN RUN RUN RUN
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...
So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.
Dude. Do it.
Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?
I had to smuggle a street sign attached to a 14ft long pole out of my house this morning. The list of reasons for me not to drink just keeps getting longer.
Dude what the fuck...
No cash. I had to buy four bowls of soup to meet the credit card limit. I'm not even upset. SO MUCH SOUP.
You climbed on top of the bar, shotgunned a 25oz fosters and screamed, Steve Irwin was a God amongst men.
me + whiskey = a bad person
I never thought I would have to arrest my own parents on a sunday night
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
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