When I was her age, Pluto was still a planet... but i said what the hell
You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.
A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.
My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.
Yes, that was me on the jumbo tron. No, i don't know why i was hiding.
I just compared drinking to love. How do these people not know I'm an alcoholic?
She refuses to believe she pulled down her pants and spanked her ass in front of us
Why am I feeling up grandma?!
I'm really glad a picture of you as an infant followed this text.
If there's one thing i learned from edward 40hands is that i couldnt handle life with bottles for hands
Today is an "outside sex" kind of day.
I got in an argument over whether or not I'm a slut. I argued yes.
i think i just lost a toe
She squirted. We were both surprised. I'm that good.
All I remember was you telling him there was something behind him so he would turn around and you could slide down his carpeted stairs on your belly without a shirt on. How's that carpet burn btw?
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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