1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
White wifebeaters are like orgies with fat people. Enjoyable in private, i'm sure, but in public: no thanksss.
He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.
Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.
He started telling people I was Stephen Hawking's son. When that didnt fly he switched to Tony Romo's cousin
If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.
the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me
He sent me a picture of him bent over showing his asshole with the caption "vwahla".... No more tequila for either of you
I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
Got a handy at the foam party. Took girl home. Banged her. Thanked her for foam handy. "what handy?"
He just kept repeating "not with an octopus" over and over for hours. Soooooo Porn Dare was a succes.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I'm drinking vodka. Get ready for my famous "come over" mass snapchats
You're breaking my sexual little heart
Ah Christ I think I've reached the single life mentality 100%. I just inquired a photographer about a photo shoot with my dog.
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