apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again
My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex
You and your mom would make an amazing tag team
found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.
... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.
I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.
You ordered 6 boxes of pizza and laughed in the pizza guys face when you didn't pay for any of them.
I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator
When the doctor said the anal leakage might not be reversible without some lifestyle changes you start asking if it's worth the entertainment value.
I'm hungry
Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex
The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.
In other news: I found out that my mom used to fuck my newest fuck buddy's dad when they were in school.
New guy at work just gave me a Percocet for my headache. Officially best friends
I tried to put my heels in the coat check
6 more days and it'll be a year since i slept with him and never went home
Well I just saw a fully naked man doing a headstand in a cooler of ice water.
Please come check out theses cougars grinding on a pole. I feel like they're showing us up and we need a duel stat
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