i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.
Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
I wonder if they'd let me siphon the gas out my car before they impound it
You probably don't remember this but last night I bought you a lap dance from a stripper that had nipples that looked like runny eggs....you're welcome.
Attention ladies coming to the party tonight! Tonight will be another chance to win the 5 bucks for getting my cousin hard. Bring your a-game, no one has been able to overcome the whiskey dick yet. Good luck.
I just power puked in the office bathroom.. blew blood vessels in my eyes and now I'm ready for a donut.... success
After her AA meeting, she was on the phone with her mom, and when she said, "they're making me start over with Step 1," I quietly sang, "cut a hole in the box".
I got into a fight with the dude who fell asleep on my couch bc he wouldn't wake up but managed to get a lunch date set for thurs with another guy by the time he finally left. So how's your day so far?
When you left the bar, you did two cartwheels and a heel click and RAN ALL THE WAY HOME.
I mean I puked all over three separate towns last night and I still think you're the one who should reevaluate their life.
Is there a lightning bolt coming out of your boner right now?!
You can't be mad... I'm letting you jerk off in my parents shower
BITCH I AM EXPERIENCING THE FEMININE MYSTERY SHUT UP AND GIVE ME DRUGS
Celebrated Veteran's Day by getting a Marine (who just got back from deployment in the middle east) drunk and laid for the first time in 6 months. #Murica
Randomize
