Well I thought that next 8 ball would either kill us or turn us into Gods
just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
What did we do last night that was yellow?
He fucking owes me dinner after I gave him head under the deck behind the bar.
i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.
I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.
Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?
i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944
and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate
WHY IN THE FUCK DID YOU LET ME DRUNK PUNCH STEVE? HE IS SUCH A NICE GUY!
As long as you don't want to make a shrine out of my eyelashes It's all good
So after my hot dog popped out of the bun and fell to the ground I tried to pick it back up and eat it. He had to kick it away from me to stop me from trying to pick it back up and eat it. I like him.
Jesus christ. I put you on speaker when you called me last night and you told me to brush my teeth with a dick.
I'm eating shredded cheese and chugging coke, until I can function again. I'm tingling everywhere
I'm at a first year old's birthday party and a midget dressed as a cop just showed up. Word is we're going to toss and bowl with him. Updates to come.
Randomize
