I'm pants shitting drunk right now
I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".
Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.
Ok, Jen and I are going out tonight and getting rowdy. I think you and Steph need to come. I understand if you can't, but not going out means you're automatically obligated to post bail. If necessary.
Who is he, asking me if im dtf without a question mark
...
It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.
Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.
I poured everyones drinks into the ice bucket and then stuck my face in it. Apparently I'm a greedy drunk.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
His roommates came in and started a dance party in his room while we were having sex. He said it wasnt the first time.
So we reenacted men's olympic skeet shooting using roman candles and flattened beer cans. That's all
What the World Series means to me is that I've slept with too many giants fans.
I just had a random tinder dude give me a ride home from school because my car is dead. Tinder rules! It's like Uber, but with boys who want to impress you.
he was Irish, I had to have sex with him.
All I wanted was a good weekend full of booze, laughs, and maybe some penis. Instead, someone is in the hospital, I didn't sleep at all last night. And not because I got laid.
Randomize
