She's got an ass you could write the declaration of independence on in one line. Takes up three bar stools.
It was confusing and full of hummus
Something's wrong. My throat is definitely not in it's normal spot. Way too low.
To my ex and my favorite mistake: I totally enjoyed hearing you have erectile disfunction via baby monitor!
Serious question...Is it possible to get a DUI on a kayak?
Beautiful wedding. Beautiful bride. I got shitfaced. Came home and ate two corndogs. I'm still single.
My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.
Um...It has come to my attention that I may have said some rather vulgar things about Sean Connery to you and anyone listening last night, so...I apologize for that. I meant the things I said. But still. Sorry.
don't do it for the experience, do it for the story. now get your ass in that bedroom
Everyone thinks I'm sleeping but I'm actually just melting.
I ate 1200 calories worth of chocolate covered marshmallows and googled why it is okay to be single forever
I guess "hi, I know your mom, she taught me in high school" is an effective pickup line
I'm really sorry I bit your mom last night, it was completely uncalled for.
You should've seen the look on the guys face when I demanded pho and a beer the second they opened. Obviously he doesn't understand hangovers
Stereotypically, lax bros last the longest, but have huge egos that are annoying. Baseball players barely last 10mins, but are really nice. And than we have soccer players, last long and have no egos. Me and my friends have collected our findings.
Randomize
