I just had to pull over at a starbucks to throw up in the bathroom. They really should not have let me be a lawyer.
bar tonight had a doorbell to get in and last night i saw my neighbors fuck on the balcony, she wore a nurse outfit. Missouri isn't so bad...
You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.
Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.
Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."
He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.
Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.
I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.
His IQ is so high, I swear I started ovulating when he told me the number.
Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.
my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.
I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.
therea a video of her dad walking in while i screamed "lets have a fashion show!" and fell off the table
When I was leaving this morning he gave me some candy off his floor to prove he was a nice guy... He definitely knows the way to my heart. Best one night stand ever
At 12:16 am. We just got out of the truck and went behind it and fucked. With 3 people in the truck. On the side of the road. As cars drove by.
you literally stared at me for three minutes and then said "hey this tequila isn't gonna drink itself, boss"
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