I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.
dude i woke up to her making a statue of my morning wood for her sculpture class. HOW THE FUCK do you think i feel about her?
how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.
What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?
the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar
a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside
He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
The token old dude at the show tried hitting on us by telling us his favorite rapper was Cayenne West.
I like to think it's an accomplishment that I can relate my life to a T-pain song
We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day
his first fb message to me in 3 years was "is your cock open for business?" im blocking him
My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.
Watching the awkward tinder date at the table next to mine is the most action I've had in months, so there's that.
You're supposed to discourage my sluttiness not bring me hot Colombian men
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