I walked into his living room and saw him watching the play-offs while eating tomato paste out of the can with a bottle of wine. I'm telling you to stop talking to him. now.
he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.
I don't remember you taking the condom off last night. Did you just walk home in it ?
FYI I just found your friend. Asleep. In. My. Kayak. In. Pool.
Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...
I screamed "I want dick!" in the middle of the intersection. So many hot guys. I wish you were here.
I've spent all afternoon taking and editing selfies. The life of a bimbo is truly tiring.
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
why the fuck is there hamburger meat in the toaster. i repeat: WHY THE FUCK IS THERE HAMBURGER MEAT IN MY NEW TOASTER
He kept telling me my vagina was a pleasure cave... I ended up just taking it as a complimetn
Thanks for duct tapping my dick to my leg while I was passed out. I could only aim straight down. I stood on your bed. Have a nice day at work!
My fart just smelled like the inside of white castle, I mean spot on, no difference whatsoever.
I missed you last night. I'm sure he will never forget the night i sang my heart will go on into his penis like a microphone
Its the damn oven. I think it wants to eat me.
My dog just blew me a kiss. First of all I'm stoned and second of all he's a pitbull. Those aren't sexual dogs. So wtf.
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