The funny thing about my wife cheating on me is that the guy probably has genital warts now. Sweet.
I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.
You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.
I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."
Seriously. My vagina. Can we talk about it? It's gonna jump off this treadmill and devour my trainer.
I almost spit out my drink. But only almost, because it was vodka. And you don't spit out vodka.
It's Wednesday. And it's about that time to remind everyone that my priorities from last weekend have not changed moving forward into this weekend.
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
She licked my face when I was on the phone with a customer and I just laughed. Im not sure if thats good or bad
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
Told my fifteen year old cousin's friend what to sext his girlfriend last night. He was scarred for life but she fucking loved it.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
You have to give it to him that he fucked me out of the dull weekdays.
FUUUCK. sunburned vagina. this is the worst day ever. i'm not leaving my room until it peels.
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