apparently when i got back to tyler's i layed face down on the bed and yelled "don't hurt my asshole!"
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
totally just realized while washing my face that Cetaphil looks like semen.
No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging
We simultaneously blacked out then simultaneously came to then simultaneously had sex with the neighbors. We're definitely meant to be roommates.
Yeah, if you don't like strip clubs you won't like microwave chimichangas.
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
body shots are frowned upon at family weddings. i'll keep that in mind next time. maybe.
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
Going to put that on my resume. "Only accidentally snapchatted my titties to all of my friends once."
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
You just kinda wondered into the street and started screaming at dogs and small children...
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
Randomize
