just peed in the tub, threw it on Megan.. she threw more back, I got out and threw toilet water on her.. forecast for tomorrow? pink eye.
I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole
Don't make me out to be the bad guy. You practically MADE me cum on your food.
Its 6:30 and I'm shotguning a busch ice while taking a shit. Outlook for work today: interesting
Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one
the cab driver said that we weren't the worst shit show he'd ever seen, CHALLENGE ACCEPTED!!
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
We could put on there: "Drink jager bombs and do stupid shit faster, with more energy!"
I need to get off of her emotional roller coaster. I've been on it for a fucking year and I've been throwing up the entire time.
He said his fantasy involved both of us fucking while stuffed into the same overalls
How I know we're old. Don knows the owner. The owner said 'How about some shots?' We said no thanks. He looked puzzled and came back later and said 'You know it's on the house?' We said 'Yeah, no thanks.'
I'm 2 weeks in to my all dick and carb diet and so far I've lost 2lbs.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
yeah i wanted to show him what i was missing, so i decided to send him a seductive picture, like the ones where the girls are eating strawberries and whipped cream. well i didn't have those, so i sent him a picture of myself naked eating a bagel
If I get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to celebrate. If I don't get the job, I'm gonna get wasted to forget. Win-Win
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