just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.
I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount
I passed out in the stadium during the 4th quarter and you guys just left me there?
Yea, but we put money for a cab in your pocket.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition
Impressive. I approve.
She face-timed me on the toilet. My dick is never going to recover from that.
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
Please tell me that I didn't call you to say I was swimming in outter space
I think you handled your pregnancy scares better than that cricket in your bathroom
He has an accent, blue cross AND gainful employment. Just saying, he's going to urgent care once I'm done with him
Wait I can't come yet Mr. Brightside is playing
ok i defs just took my shirt off in the middle of a frat party though so keep me updated
last night you said that you wanted to hold my dick as you slept because it was like having a stuffed animal.
My penis is lonely
So is my ring finger
If it makes you feel any better I almost got kicked out of the bar for yelling "enjoy your celebratory incest"
I love you.
Randomize
