I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great
Draw a picture of yourself puking and peeing on her and give it to her with a note that sys this could be your future if you be my friend
Dude, totally just found out that I've been washing my hair with semen for the past 3 weeks.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.
you'll never guess what i found when i got home...
a cake, in the toilet
He said he forgot to take his shoes off, and that he was a bad boy because he was walking on the carpet. Then he sang. Then he shouted "I'M STILL FORGETTING."
i had to get the starbucks manager to open the bathroom door for me...you passed out on the floor, the things i do for you
Only catch is you have to sleep in the same bed as me. But no worries, I plan on being in a random guys hotel room every night. So it's essentially yours.
I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
Ripping out my IUD in Dave and busters bathroom
I tried saying sorry but instead I puked down her shirt and tried to clean it up... Now I have a bruise on my forehead. good news, before she left she wrote her number on my stomach with sharpie
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