Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!
so her cute freckles turned out to be blackheads
why didn't we just drop out of school years ago and become dominatrix bitches who beat men?
I don't know but we should still do that
I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.
I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.
It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game
Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.
I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.
I officially lit my glove on fire while lighting the bong. Winter needs to end.
I tried to say goodbye but you were hugging a trash can and I wasn't sure if you had clothes on
What's the address?
Too drunk. Just google it.
IT'S YOUR HOUSE
I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.
It was the easiest thing I've ever done. 3am she walked into my room, saw my Buffalo Bills blanket, said go bills and got naked.
You've opened Pandora's butthole my friend. There's no going back.
I'm watching Trainwreck with Jeff and realizing that I'm the John Cena in my relationship.
Randomize
