There is a strange man mowing my lawn. Best day ever.
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
it was great that she threw up because that made me the only one trying to hook up with her
What part of "you pissed in the tent" do you not understand?
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
How on earth did you break your wrist?
I went into someone's yard so I could pee and I found a tireswing
So I walked in on her and she had taped her fingers together and was crying and was whispering something about "how humbling it is being in constant glove mode"
its 2pm. u awake yet?
ill text u back later. still peeling fingernail polish off my face.
Also the bouncer Straight up told me my id was shitty and I should get a new one. But he let me in anyways because #boobz
My mind's like "He's a sexist pig" but my uterus is like "YOU SHALL BEAR HIM STRONG CHILDREN"
I feel like I just did it with Buster from Arrested Development. Taking a shower. #winefail
It's wednesday. OF COURSE HE'S DRUNK.
i dunno dude, he took his shirt off and is rubbing jello shots on himself. i think he's done
I think someone shaved off all their pubes in the handicap stall or a werewolf stopped by the office to take a crAzy dump!
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