we should go somewhere reaaaaaal shady
I gave my ex the dutch oven last night. How was your night?
You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands
When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things
After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...
After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.
Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?
I don't understand but I'll be there in 5
They were picking gravel out of my face for an hour. I think I took more out of the road than the road did of me.
Barfights against pavement aren't genrally won by people. Props.
Her dog trainer Fuck buddy is over here again. She sounds like a squeaky toy and he talks to her like he talks to the dog. I CAN HEAR EVERYTHING!!!
I'm bringing my passport in case we get drunk and wind up in Mexico
Thank you for helping a fellow gay friend today. You are sublime and deserve free tickets to the Ellen show
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
Pretty sure I got at least one girl to question her sexuality at the Christmas party last night
You hit your head and proceeded to fall in the floor, curl up in my lap and make me rock you like a small infant. I was beginning to worry until you started to sing "Rock me momma like a wagon wheel".
For full disclosure: I told my roommates last night that you have a very clean asshole.
I'm not fucking you with a Stormtrooper helmet on!
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