Was going to watch Bolt. Fucked a stranger instead. Details later.
So you didn't like Bolt?
..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.
library dates and plan B? He is looking like a great catch.
So apparently I threw a potted plant at a clown last night and told him to get his life together.
I just want to let it be known that I almost put my phone in the fridge.
I'm auditing financial statements and ur growing weed this is bullshit how did this happen to me
It is becoming increasingly more likely that my entire halloween costume will be entirely composed of borrowed clothing from the two girls I'm hooking up
You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.
I'm a corrupt cop.
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
that is either the most profound and meaningful thing i've ever heard, or someone got high before noon again.
Can we make love to the Space Jam soundtrack?
NO BABIES. YOUR VAGINA WILL BLEED WITHIN A FORTNIGHT.
Bill says he deeply regrets the incident with the soda bottle
Randomize
