Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
woke up naked, spooning with wine bottle.. and my video chat was still open. fuck, not again.
you went up to their shower, tripped in it, accidentally turned it on and then claimed that you like to "test everyone's showers"
I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.
Just figured out why my bed smells like weed: I just found a bowl in my pillow case?
She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it
Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?
If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.
Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.
There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland
Also my face is like def lowkey made of silly putty
We couldn't leave for the bar until he spent 10 minutes adjusting his vaporizer. I want to drown him in beard oil.
We’re leaving where are you
Hold on Toxic just started playing
Randomize
