Why can't I find a man that likes bush instead of a vagina that looks like it belongs to a prepubescent child!
Because men are children
Touche
I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"
how do you like your eggs?
over tits
the coke olympics were a bad idea. there's a tree uprooted in the front of my building.
Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.
i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter
All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.
Koalas always seemed like really high little puppy kittens to me.
want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.
Okay so, sorry but last night we had to put a note on your chest and a key around your neck just so you would make it home.
guy at the bar just asked how many cows we have on our land, then proceeds to ask me out. you know your from the country when....
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
Grilled cheese and shark week. Unemployment done right.
I'm glad we can *facepalm* it together over the married couple we fucked separately.
That awkward moment when you were so fucking drunk lastnight that you and your fuck buddy wake up wearing eachother's clothing covered in hot cheetos with his cat curled up between your heads meowing. Thought you'd appreciate this moment with me.
Dude, I'm pretty sure I just drank iced tea last night and yet I'm still hungover. What the fuck is my body anymore ?
Randomize
