What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk
That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!
he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.
.....woke up with a tube of cinnamon buns in my pocket, i miss you
Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
You know you drank too much last night when your mouthwash tastes like water
I shame-fucked to Hotel California, don't tell me about priorities.
Doing the walk of shame and bringing my dad a newspaper en route. Favourite daughter status confirmed.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
I fell in the river last night. The allegheny to be exact. Omg getting drunk at work gatherings is dangerous
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
99% of the contents of my handbag are ketchup packets and condoms. I feel that says a lot about me as a person.
there's a giant awkward home-wrecking elephant in the room. and its name is meg.
we should get together and get drunk.
On a Monday?
don't discriminate against mondays.
I'm laying backwards. On the stairs. Eating carrots. And drinking from a captain Morgan bottle.
Randomize
