it's a girl!!
That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years
can you take me to a tanning bed
sure, why though?
i have to go once so i can blame these herpes on the tanning bed and she won't get suspicious
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.
Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized
say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway
Woke up in time for my 8:15
Good for you I'm impressed
I realized 10 minutes in it was a class from last semester
In the future, could you not call me 'bro' while we're having sex?
He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign
Talk about having your cake and eating it he has basically demolished the whole fucking bakery
i just called dibs on the taxi driver at the bar that isnt drinking. im a grown up
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
drunk me always erases text conversations because she is a woman of mystery and does not like for me to know what's going on in her life
Jello shots? I thought you weren't drinking tonight.
Im not drinking im slurping
Don’t worry I was with my ex husband for 10 years and he could never remember the year I was born, when our dating anniversary was or what year I graduated high school. But I still know that mother fuckers SSN lol
Randomize
