Omg. Never. Take a laxative the day you are going on. A date.
do you think there was ever a doctor who smelled his finger after giving a prostate exam?
You put a thong on my pumpkin didn't you.
woke up with 15 BAGS of hot dog buns in my passenger seat... jameson strikes again
birth control should be required to get into college
Come see our sink grown plant.
New game: find the sober person in Tbell
There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.
Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.
You should just construct a mini-city, actually. Then destroy, photograph and post. Who could turn down a dick that conquered a whole city? Craigslist personals wont know what hit it.
This whole having a new phone thing is like starting all over in life with a clean slate! (My old text convos are gone)
New phone new life!
I am so disappointed that he didn't steal a Christmas tree last night.
You threw away your W2 to make more room in your purse for liquor.
Randomize
