Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman
I smell stomach acid.
I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?
We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!
Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.
He sent me a picture of myself smashed completely butt naked passed out on the couch and said "at least I'll have these memories"
Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.
I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.
HELP A SISTER OUT. AND KEEP YOUR TONGUE OUT OF THE HUMMUS.
TOO HIGH TO FIGURE THIS SHIT OUT
He would come to class in wrapped in nothing but a pink towel
One does not fall in love, one falls flat on the their face after leaving a bar
Ugh it's 2016, why can't our bodies just shed fat on their own
I was sprawled on his bed and heard him and a girl walk in the apartment. I jumped out the window and am walking down main street wrapped in an american flag blanket. Can you pick me up?
You need to get a passport so we can carry our bad decisions over the border
Okay. Did I say I did anything unusual? Because I usually do weird stuff. Did I clean mirrors? My mirrors are really clean, and I think I remember having windex..
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